Sometimes your relationship can feel like a carefully rehearsed performance, charming when you’re out, but strangely quiet when it’s just the two of you.
You may find yourself asking: Is everything just smoke and mirrors? These 12 signs he pretends to love you point to subtle inconsistencies, like promises that vanish, interest that flickers based on his needs, or affection that only shows under the spotlight.
Awareness isn’t blame. It’s a form of self‑respect. When genuine care fades behind a curtain of actions that don’t align with words, you deserve to notice and honor what feels true.
Let’s get clarity.
1. He shows affection only when you’re in public
You might notice warm hugs, flirty gestures, or teasing texts when you’re in group settings or on social media, but once you’re home, there’s radio silence. That kind of charm in front of others, and detachment behind closed doors, can feel scripted.
It isn’t just a cultural preference for PDA; it can be a subtle performance to uphold an image of romance, rather than a sign of genuine emotional intimacy.
If affection only pops up under a spotlight, it may mean you’re seen as part of the show, not a partner in private.
2. You’re always the one to reach out or plan things
When you’re texting to check in, suggesting weekends or dinner ideas, you might feel like a one-woman relationship board. His replies may be polite, but he rarely texts first or takes the initiative, especially when plans shift or conversation stalls.
That constant imbalance can leave you emotionally drained, as if you’re the glue holding things together. Meaningful relationships thrive on mutual investment. If he’s only reactive, your needs may end up dismissed.
3. He avoids deep talks about how you both feel
Superficial topics are easy. You can chat about the weather, favorite shows, or funny memes for days. But bring up feelings, fears, or future hopes, and he changes the subject, cools off, or claims “I don’t want to overthink things.”
That’s not just a conversation style. It’s emotional avoidance. When depth triggers withdrawal, it reveals a reluctance to connect beneath surface chatter.
Consistent deflection often signals emotional unavailability, signalling that genuine vulnerability isn’t welcome.
4. His words don’t match his actions
Promises to call, plans for dinner, or declarations of affection may sound sweet, but what actually happens matters more. If he cancels often, bails at the last minute, or only shows up when he wants something, the sweetest words ring hollow.
Actions make the rules, if his attention flickers in and out based on his needs, you’re witnessing emotional inconsistency. That pattern erodes trust and reveals where his priorities really lie.
It might feel like love in words, but living with the silence between them is painful.
5. He keeps the relationship on the down‑low
You notice your relationship never appears in photos, gatherings, or even casual mentions—you’ve never met his friends or family. He might call it “private” or “not serious” as if that explains the distance.
This pattern, sometimes called pocketing, isn’t just shyness. It can signal he’s keeping emotional investment at arm’s length. Acts like avoiding public mentions or cancelling introductions may show he values image over intimacy.
Real care often finds a way to include you in life routines. If your place is always supposed to remain hidden, it’s worth listening to how that feels.
6. Affection peaks when he needs something
You may find he’s sweet and soft right before asking a favour or wanting physical closeness, but once that request is fulfilled, he goes quiet or distant. His warmth feels transactional, not spontaneous.
Genuine affection doesn’t appear only on demand. When emotional availability hinges on his needs, it creates pressure and confusion.
What looks like romance can actually be strategic action: love‑language turned conditional. If affection shows up only when he expects something, that’s a signal worth noticing and protecting your heart from.
7. He never talks about future plans or goals together
When conversations about next year, shared vacations or celebrating milestones come up, he shrugs or changes the subject. Even light mentions of planning feel uncomfortable to him.
Avoiding discussions that include both of you in the map could mean he doesn’t see your bond as long‑term. In relationships built on a real emotional partnership, it’s normal, and healthy, to weave each other into hopes and goals.
If he consistently opts out or offers vague answers, that absence isn’t casual; it’s revealing where he’s placing his terms.
8. He’s too agreeable, never shares opinions
He always nods, follows your lead, and rarely voicing a preference of his own, even when it would help. That always in sync front might feel comforting at first, but over time it can silence your connection.
A real partnership cherishes differences. It lets each person feel seen even when not aligned. Someone who stays hyper‑agreeable to avoid any conflict may be more interested in preserving an illusion than building emotional honesty. When there are never disagreements, it’s not peace, it may be avoidance.
9. Little Effort into Small Kindnesses or Surprises
Sending a sweet note, remembering your favourite snack, or bringing you coffee when you’re having a tough morning, those small gestures say a lot.
But if those little sparks of care fade away, and what’s left is the bare minimum, no thoughtful texts, no random treats, no check-ins when you seem low. It may mean affection is reduced to a daily caption.
That lack of effort doesn’t always shout harsh neglect; often it’s a quiet pattern where your emotional presence stops being noticed. No surprises. No extra warmth. Just enough contact to keep the ship afloat.
10. He Shows Zero Interest in Your Life or Goals
When you talk about your day, from your new job excitement to that side project you’re passionate about, there’s no curiosity.
He barely asks, responds with a shrug, or shifts conversation away politely. That lack of engagement isn’t disinterest in individual facts; it’s disconnection from what matters to you.
Genuine partners listen when you share your dreams or worries. If he doesn’t ask or seems easily bored, that suggests your aims are invisible in his emotional map. Over time, that emotional distance stings more than silence.
11. Communication Is Inconsistent, Vague or Vanishes
One minute he texts like he’s present in your life, then suddenly he disappears for days, reappearing as if nothing happened.
Replies become reluctant, short, or feel like they’re written from a distance. Those blurry arcs of connection, excited morning check-ins, then weeks of silence, mirror an emotional availability that’s switched on only when convenient.
Such erratic contact can feel unpredictable and anxiety‑triggering, as if affection is conditional, not constant. Consistent emotional investment wouldn’t allow so many gaps, especially with someone who claims they care.
12. He Shifts Blame and Avoids Accountability
Whenever conflict arises, he sidesteps their part in it, turning things around so you feel at fault, too sensitive, or lost in misunderstanding.
That passive or active blame‑shifting is not just poor communication; it’s a way to avoid emotional responsibility. Instead of owning mistakes or apologizing, he reacts defensively or pretends you distorted the memory.
Over time, the result is gaslighting energy: your confidence dips, he keeps the emotional high ground, and real problem‑solving ends. That avoidance isn’t love disguised. It’s emotional evasion.
What to Do Next
When these signs begin to surface, it’s crucial to protect your emotional clarity and move with intention, not fear.
- Begin by trusting your instincts, your gut reaction to inconsistent affection, avoidance, or performative romance often points toward a deeper pattern.
- Take time and observe actions over promises. (Are calls followed through? Does he follow through a few times when asked?) If his words rarely match what actually happens, it’s time to pause and reassess.
- Speak up with clear, calm communication. Frame your feelings as your own experience, say something like, “When plans fall through last minute, I feel unseen.” Then observe how he responds: genuine curiosity or defensiveness (or vanishing) can reveal where his emotional investment actually lies.
- Set firm boundaries that reflect your needs, emotional reliability, mutual planning, or consistent affection. For example, you might set a boundary like: “I’m happy to connect when we both follow up after canceling.” Healthy limits aren’t about control,they build mutual respect and consistency as the foundation of true partnership.
- Lean on trustworthy friends, mentors, or a counselor if you sense this dynamic has been repeating in your relationships, sometimes external clarity helps interrupt old patterns.
- Most importantly, define what “real care” looks like to you, emotional presence, shared future ideas, even small acts of kindness without prompting.
- If that vision repeatedly meets glass ceilings, despite communication and boundaries. It’s valid and courageous to step back or change direction. Your heart deserves consistency, not just chapters of performative devotion.